Wow so much has changed in the last time I was on here. Ive lost friends gained new ones, nearly lost a sister and a mother, I've lost a girlfriend a father and my brothers but grown as a person.

The first major change in my life would have to be the fact that me and angie arent friends anymore it pains me to write that but its true, after she moved to tasmania she found a new and excited life that didnt involve me which hurt me to a degree but I understood that her life was different now and due to that fact of course our friendship would be different to. So while she discovered herself in her new life I discovered myself to. We grew apart which is understandable due to the fact we because different people. So when we both needed each other we werent there. She wasnt there when I needed her through my sisters oding and depression and my mother also developing depression and I in turn wasnt there when she needed me. It wasnt planned it just happened all good things must come to an end they say. And while I wish we could one day become friends again I dont think it will happen there is just to much hurt between us I dont think Angie will ever be able to forgive me for not helping her and honestly I dont think she needs me enough to even try.

I also lost contact with Jemma, Blair and Ashley all really good friends of mine at one point in time I miss them all but like me and Angies friendship these people also moved on with there life and left me behind, I left them behind to. Where all to blamed for the lost of friendships. I miss them.

My sister and mum are finally better my sister has got her depression under control and isnt trying to kill herself shes got a job friends and lost weight. Shes as happy as she will ever be. My mum is finally piecing her life back together now that sarah is fine she has a man in her life and is happy shes gained weight but all shes gained love and acceptance shes never recieved in a relationship before its cute to see I wish her luck.

My dad has finally run out of luck earlier this year he was arrested and thrown in jail he'll be there for at least 4 years. Myy dad has always been a major part of my life the reason both me and sarah are so fucked up his drug addiction ruined our lives and I will never forgive him for it. His weakness of drugs has also robbed me of seeing my brothers regularly and as a result I cant see myself ever having a real relationship with them, we are just to far apart in ages as well as in distance of living it truely does sadden me that I will probably never be a major influence in there life and I hope one day they forgive me.

My previous posts about me and Beany not working out where true we broke up and quite frankly its been one of the better choices I've ever made. No one has the right to make me feel as if I'm not worthy because I am worthy of love I just have more issues then most finding it. Im sure I will one day and that day will be glorious.

Well its like 6 in the morning and I still havent slept so I'm going to sign of now and try to do so. This past year has been full of ups and downs but those event and challenges I faced have made me who I am a strong individual who has a loving family and great friends. I wish me and Angie still talked due to the fact she was a major part of my life for a few years but unfortunately I have no way of contacting her and even if I did I dont think she'd speak to me, to much hurt has pasted between us. Well live journal take care, and Angie if you read this I really do miss you and wish we could be friends so if you read this get in contact who knows we might just be able to mend some bridges and be friends again.

Nighttttttt :D

So today l was feeling sick so l didn't go to school instead l stayed home and did my second favourite thing: Walked around my house naked. l really have nothing against nudity l find it  fun. So yes after that l got dressed put on some foundation and couldn't be bothered putting on any other make-up because l am lazy and who really cares what l look like? l'm only going to visit my crazy sister l didn't even bother changing my clothes talk about lazy. l really misss my Angie and Beany. Angie you need to move near me and Beany l have to see you more because l miss you when your not around. OMFG Micheal Jackson song just came on the T.V....wait it's a stupid little program. l want it to be saturday because then l get to see my Angie and play with her hair, she's like my barbie doll l love her. She's mine not Luke's AND l talked to Angies luke last night he seems nice a bit obsessed with Gaming though. l realy wish he'd let angie wax his arms. OH l also hate my cat it stood out side my door today and meowed for like 30 minutes l mean he could have let himself out stupid cat. And now the living end is on the T.V and l still feel like throwing up

 










AND Yesterday was mine and Beany's three weeks since dating, so happy, except l can't kiss her infront of her twin it is to weird, like kissing the Twin but l'm not. lt freaks me out. Yes l am weird like this. Well l love you Angie and Beany

 

So there is this girl right. And every little thing she does makes me smile.
She is the definition of beauty, she's so extremely nice, caring sweet and totally
unaware of how truely amazing she is. She actually loves me. Me a total screw up.
The other night l had a massive panic attack l couldn't breathe properly and she sat
there calmly, talked me threw it and simply told me she still loved me even after all that
to be honest l've never felt this loved in my life, it's as if it's to good to be true and l'm so 
scared l'm going to screw it up and she'll leave me and l'll be left to to wallow in the pain.
l think that's why l assume you'll not be able to handle all the things l have going on in my
life because to be honest you could do sooooooo much better then me and l don't even 
understand while your with me your perfect in every way and could do a million times better
and get any person you wanted but you choose me which l don't understand but am not going 
to question in. From now on l am going to simply accept it. Your the first thing l think of in the 
Mornings and last thing l think of at night. You're like my golden light that makes ever seem 
better. Getting a text message from you, or a call or a bebo message just makes everything
seem that little bit brighter. Every compliment you have given me warms my heart and makes
me actually consider what you are saying to be true. lt will be three weeks on tuesday since
We have started going out and they have to be the best three weeks of my life.  l've never 
been this happy before, l truely think if you told me to jump off a bridge l would. l just want 
to make you happy in every way l can possibly achieve it.  l want you to feel as beautiful
as you appear to be to me. Because to me no other person can equal your beauty.
Whether it is laying under the starts listening to your heart beat, or leaning against
you in a movie theatre just being with you makes me extremely happy. l don't even
need to say anything because just having you there is enough. To be honest you
are my everything. l love you Beany 29/07/08

 This Thing People Call Love
I am so sick and tired of fucking up in love as well life in general.
Seems everytime someone chooses to tell me they like me l hurt them
And it's not fair.  l'm so sick and tired of feeling like a bitch all the time.
It's not fair, life is hard enough without having to worry if your actions are
hurting someone else as well as yourself. Everytime l fall for someone
it seems as if they are unable to love me back. whether it's due to the face they 
only see me as a friend or they just can't love me back.
l seem to love people who are needy, self destructive beautiful and only 
care about  themselves and no one else. So l never tell them and keep it to 
myself and hope l can find someone else to make me stop liking them.
lt never works all l do is hurt the person who l try to use to fill the hole 
in my life. All l want is to be able to finish school and have fun. l don't
want to constantly feel guitly for thing out of my control l just want to
live and be happy maybe later l'll find love?